Kartika Nived’s diary 21/05/2020
Can there be someone in the world who says that they are unhappy because their life is too easy? If the answer is ‘nobody’ then I guess I am an exception. These days I feel dull. Even though the things happening in my life should make me feel the exact opposite. Six month ago, I got married to my best friend and a guy whom I knew since school times. I am in a profession of my choice with steady progress. I couldn’t ask for better people in my life be it my parents, my in-laws, friends, colleagues and most importantly my lovely husband. Still… something feels missing. I couldn’t point it out until today.
My day began as usual. Doing daily chores, getting dressed and ready to leave the house. Taking the crowded metro to my office. Punch in and start working. As usual. Then during lunch time I got a call from a friend, Madhav. We were in school together and now he is a big-shot lawyer in a reputed firm of Vanchi city.
It was unusual for him to call me for lunch. A couple of years have passed since we started working in the same locality. Never before he felt like even calling me and today he wanted to meet me. “Why would that be?” I wondered. “Maybe he needs my help with something.” I said to myself. During our school days he seemed to always need my help. So throughout the entire lunch I kept on waiting for him to ask for my help with some problem of his. But it never came up. It seemed that he had called just to catch up and talk about the good old days. He must be missing home and thought I would understand because we both left our home state and came to this foreign land to settle down. By the time he ordered desert, I was getting impatient. I was about to ask but instead he asked me, “Is there anything wrong?”
Hearing his question I froze. This was unexpected. I don’t even remember the last time someone asking me this question. People always assumed that I am living an ideal life and therefore I am happy. I won’t blame them. Even I believed that I am happy. That this is the kind of happiness mature people experience; satisfied but dull.
I was quiet initially but when I started talking, our real conversation began. I lost track of time. I was so lost in these deep emotions that I didn’t even realize that I have to go back to the office.
“My entire life has been a very smooth ride. I got everything I ever wanted. Nobody questioned my decision. I never faced any failure. I never made any mistake. Even after marriage; my husband and I, we understand each other so well that we never fight over anything.” I kept on talking and he kept on listening like some kind of a therapist. “I never made a mistake in life… but, I want to make one.” I paused while I kept on repeating this thought in my mind. Then suddenly I spoke, “I want a divorce.”
His eyes widened. The situation was ironic. Usually it used to be that he would take some irrational decision and I had to convince him out of it. But today the roles had reversed. And… I was hoping that he would convince me out of this situation.
“On what grounds?” he asked.
I had no answer.
“Is he violent? Does he shout at you? Or is he having an extra-marital affair?”
Knowing my husband I was very confident that there was nothing wrong with him. “He is an ideal husband.” But perhaps that is the problem. I said “No.” to all.
“You need a strong reason to get divorced. Do you have one?”
He was now talking to me as if I was one of his clients. Although the decision of divorce was insane, the more I thought about it, the more I felt it was the solution to all my problems.
“Had my parents resisted my decision to get married to the person I love, I would have known how desperately I wanted to be with him or more accurately, not.” I told him.
“Yeah… that’s not a valid argument.” he replied bluntly. After thinking for a while he smiled and said. “If your husband is squeaky clean as you say, then maybe you can have an affair.”
There was an awkward silence for a while when I was actually considering this. But then he smiled and then burst into laughter. I joined.
He played it as a joke, but I couldn’t take this thought of cheating on my husband out of my head. It was already 6’O clock so instead of going to the office, I decided to go home directly. On the way back I kept on thinking about it.
“Maybe having an affair that ends badly will help me value my husband a little more. It might not be harmful to fool around a bit.” I chuckled. I tried to think of a guy in my workplace or in my society, whom I was attracted to and he too felt the same way for me. There were none. That’s the disadvantage of marrying a guy like my husband. He is so nice to everyone that every guy treats me like a sister and nothing else.
“Or perhaps a stranger on a train.” I said to myself while I was seated in a metro back home. That was the exact moment the doors opened, a guy walked in and sat next to me. From what I observed watching him through the reflection on the train’s window glass, he was decent looking, formally dressed and was wearing a mild pleasant perfume. “Maybe it could be him.”
I was seriously hoping that he would initiate a conversation which would eventually lead to us exchanging numbers. He didn’t. I kept on waiting. As more stations passed by, the compartment got crowded and a bit more noisy. I could feel his arm brushing against mine. I thought he was doing it intentionally hoping that I might get annoyed and speak up. “Okay, if that’s what you want…” I said in my mind. When I turned, I was disappointed to see that he had fallen asleep.
That was the end of it.
My whole life up till now I believed in the statement that, ‘Good things happened to good people.’ I tried to be my best self for the same reason and good things did happen to me. But now I realize that that might not be the right way moving forward.
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