Fourteenth Of The Second Month

story by Sameer Raote

14th of the second month as a date is very unique. This is the day when the singles wish to become a couple and the couples wish to remain the same forever. Overall no one wishes to say alone on this day.

Unfortunately for me, my memories of this day were always different and full of loneliness. I hoped this year it would be different considering the fact that I had planned to get married today. But as my life has been till now, things didn’t go as planned. Today is one day I didn’t want to spend it alone and yet I was.

Past couple of months were the loneliest they have been. There was nothing much I could do to change the situation. The same day two months back marked the beginning of pain and sorrows which I had to live alone.

Even today when I think of that day, when she called off the wedding, a fog of fear grows around me. I have never lived through any war but in those days there was a war going on within me which could possible end in only one conclusion.

Enough! I don’t want to obsess over it anymore. Two months have passed after that event and the worst is in the past. Now I have a chance to make things better, to not repeat the same mistakes. But things don’t get better just like that. I will have to work hard. Even then there is no guarantee of the change if the odds aren’t in my favor.

In my entire life I can’t think of anything significant achievement of mine other than what was needed to complete education and get a job to earn living. Right now I have successfully completed my education and have a good earning job. Still I am not happy where I am right now. There’s an emptiness in me.

For my entire teenage life I had no ambition. There were many opportunities in front of me but none inspired me. If back then you would ask me 10 things about me, my hobbies, my positive or negative qualities, I couldn’t tell even one. Cause I didn’t know who I was.

I was not in cage or in chains but my personality had become like that animal who got so much comfortable living in a cage that years later even after an opportunity of freedom was in front of him yet he choose to stay in the cage.

For years, every day I saw myself in the mirror but never understood me. The polished reflective surface we call mirrors just shows our physical appearance. It’s the people we interact with are the ones who reflect our soul. Our true self.

It was many years later when I started working that I saw and understood my reflection. But the person I saw in my reflection, didn’t resemble my image of me. I definitely didn’t like what I had become. But it was too late by then, I had chosen a path which had made my future definite and rigid. Any deviation at this point would come with consequences.

Still I didn’t stop the struggle for change. This hollow life was still okay until the events of last year. I hoped that marriage with the right girl would make it worth the wait. As I said, things didn’t go as planned.

This was the time when situation went critical. There were times when I was suffocating, wanted a quick way out and yet death wasn’t an option. I had to live through this all by myself. I had parents, friends, cousins, relatives but none who could help me with my problem. There was just one motto that kept me going;

When parents, relatives, friends aren’t near,
Still I don’t have to fear.
Cause this loneliness end hear,
Allz be well by next year.

Sorry! Whenever I think about my past, I get lost in it. But I don’t want to talk about my past.

Today is a new day with a fresh start. I get up early in the morning, six-ish. Wearing my track suit I leave for jogging. Still there are residual chills of winter in the air. Within 10 minutes I am on the track of a nearby garden.

I like to jog because the mixed sensation of cool breeze and heat from burning calories make me feel alive. I see cheerful people walking past me. At some distance there is a group doing yogic exercise. It feels refreshing especially for the reason that the people around don’t know me and my past so for that moment I can forget who or what I am.

Today is the day of our annual citywide festival. Which means food, singing, dancing and many other events. I have plans to go out with a friend of mine for this festival. So after this warm-up session I take a bath and get dressed to leave for the fest. My friend is supposed to join me later so I leave for the fest alone.

At the fest, the roads are decorated beautifully. Trees painted full of colours, design object hanging on the branches. Art work of school children posted at many places. Lanes of stalls where different food items are available. Some are here to promote their shop of clothes, books, etc.

I am not hungry so I pick up a cold drink and walk to see all stalls. It’s a weekend, so I see many couples happily scanning though all the shops. Though I am an odd man there, it doesn’t disappoint me because today is all about a fresh start.

There are beautiful songs being played on the loud speaker, some of my favorites from the 90’s. As I walk by I see a drawing competition going on in a school nearby. There’s a tattoo parlor making temporary prints for children. Outside there is one boy crying who wants a tattoo but his mother refuses him from having one.

I am in a good mood and can feel the change in my life ahead of me. Couple of hours pass by and the sun is on the top. I am hungry now so I stop at a stall to eat. My friend hasn’t arrived yet, so I call him,

“Chicken or Egg?” I ask him.

“Sorry! What are you talking about?” he asks.

“What will you have with Roti? I am placing an order. And why are you not here already?”, I ask him.

He laughs saying, “What! I was not going to come. I thought you were joking. Seriously dude, why would I spend today with you?!”

I have no words to answer him. I honestly believed he would understand that today is a difficult day for me. Still I keep quiet while listening to him.

“I am sorry if you thought I would be coming. Don’t worry I will give you a call in the evening. Got to go, bye.” He says and ends the call.

It is disappointing that my friend isn’t going to come. I also don’t have any backup plan. So l will have to spend the rest of the day alone. I get up and go to nearby stall to get a roll. Just to fill my stomach.

I am not angry. I am sad. I guess I expected too much from a friend. It’s my fault. I choose to take a last walk before I return home. I finish my roll and start walking.

As I walk past the stalls the people are same but something has changed the way I look at them. Every time I see a couple especially those of my age, it feels as if a needle is piercing my heart. Whenever the people around look at me, it appears as if they are making fun of my loneliness. And all of a sudden my past memories flood my mind. Within a short period I re-lived the nightmare of 2020.

By the time I am at the end of the lane the sun is about to set and it is getting dark outside. As my footsteps turn towards my home I see a poster on a building. There is a show on the roof of the building and there are still tickets available. I don’t want to go but involuntarily I buy the ticket for it.

It is dark outside but the roof is lit brightly for the occasion. All get seated and the show begins. At first there is a dance performance by kids. This is followed by a skit based on a love story. Story about two strangers and how they are destined to meet on a the day of love.

At the end, when the strangers get united. I have tears in my eyes. Not for what happened on the stage but what I realize that moment. In no possible way I can ever be the guy in this story. The skit is followed by another loud dance number.

I stand up and go in one corner at the edge of the roof where there is no one else present. I look down at the well lit lane. By that time my tears are dried up.

Till today I believed, that even when a person has given up in his life, nature in a strange way shows them the light of hope just enough to hint them to get over all problems and continue live their life.

I also wished for the same as I walked for the last time through this lane earlier today. A stranger, someone who would give me their hand, someone who would get me out of this quick sand. But no such thing happened.

Guess I am neither destined nor deserving for this light of hope. I didn’t care if anyone was looking or not, I stood up on the ledge and took a leap while closing my eyes.

Well, Bheet Mal‘s life ends here. If there is someone listening to me, they might want to convince me out of it. But it is too late as the irreversible deed is done. Hope you and the others would be there to support me in the next life.

Thank you who were there for me in my life till now. And sorry for those who had high hopes from me. I wasn’t strong enough to fulfill them… Good bye.

The End, finally!

TO BE CONTINUED

written by Sameer Raote

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