Percentage of Love

story by Sameer Raote

Why is love so complicated? Why is it so hard to find the right life partner? I am a fast ageing adult right now and yet I am stuck on still finding a match. Let alone have the luxury of choosing from multiple options.

Currently I am attracted to just this one girl and no one else. She works in my office. A colleague, co-worker whom I have the privilege to know for over six months. Her name is Barkha Palini. Okay… I am accused of over formalizing relationships. We are more than just acquaintances. Some might consider us to be best friends. If only they knew how I felt about her…

Things have dramatically changed in my professional life since her arrival in the office. Work doesn’t feel like work anymore. I get more excited going to the office than coming home. With her addition to our team I find myself a part of the larger friend circle in our office.

“You know, for the longest time I felt that you are some weirdo who lives alone in a closed windowless apartment.” said a female co-worker once while we were chilling after work.

Yes… I have started chilling now. Although I always wanted to be a part of this group I never had the tools to get in. My introverted nature has kept away from a lot of opportunities to have fun in life. I thank her for getting me out of my shell. To some extent at least.

After knowing all this, is it even possible for me to not fall in love with her? Perhaps it’s my inexperience in the field of romantic relationships is what made me misinterpret the signs and signals. Clearly she wanted us to be just friends.

“Dude you guys are so… So perfect together!” said a friend of mine. Damn him for planting this thought in my head. I am so impressionable when it comes to things like these. Abhay has a tendency to exaggerate things. I knew and yet I fell for it. Probably because in some corner of my head I too wanted it to be true.

After that I started looking for deeper meaning in my conversations with Barkha. Do you know that silly game actresses used to play in old movies. Plucking the petals of a flower asking it, “He loves me. He loves me not.” It was silly and yet I did it too. Obviously excluding the flower part.

Every time I had a conversation with her, my mind would take a deep dive into my fantasies imagining my future with her. Us getting married, travelling the world together and then getting settled in our small B&B, i.e. a house with our initials Barkha and Bheet. This was the honeymoon phase of my fantasies that today came to an end.

Two of my office co-workers got engaged earlier this week. So as a celebration they planned to take us for dinner in a restaurant. “Today is the day I am going to do it. I will tell her how I feel.”

“Don’t be stupid. You know she is in a committed relationship.”

“So what, there’s still chance that she might like me more.”

“If she felt that way she would have said that to you… considering her extroverted nature.”

“Still I have to get this out.”

“You’ll ruin your friendship.”

I argued with myself while on my way to work. What was I going to do? We were perfect together when it came to work, having fun time in cafeteria and at dinner parties. Then why doesn’t she love me back? Today I needed an answer to this question. But what will I ask? What will she say? A lot of questions plagued my mind as I sat on my desk to work.

You know, at times I kept distance from Barkha to see if she would come to talk to me. To see if she wanted me that desperately in her life as I wanted her. Today I did the same. Except for a few formal ‘hi’ and ‘hello’ I kept my focus solely on work. I took little to none breaks during work. My boss must have been happy to see that.

Actually I was upset. The day I pledged to express my feelings, that very same day Barkha decided to bring her boyfriend for dinner. This made things difficult for me. Still I was determined to find out what is going on in her mind.

Later that day after work seven of us sat at the dinner table. Including her ridiculously handsome boyfriend Chetan Kshamya, the architect. I might have made a puking face when Barkha introduced him to everyone.

“Are you sure you are not a model?” said the woman who just got engaged.

“No. I am just an architect. Nothing more.” said Chetan while trying to act humble.

“But… you look so… you should try getting into modeling. If you want I can arrange something.” she added.

Chetts (that’s what Barkha calls him) blushed and was about to say something but then her fiancee interrupted saying, “Hey madam. You still plan on us getting married right?” He said in a humorous tone.

Everyone laughed and continued with dinner conversations. We were having a chill time as I chipped in the conversation from time to time. I tried acting normal but at the back of my head I was building up to my plan.

At one point everyone went silent and were eating. That’s when I spoke, “Hey guys. Today I found an interesting website. It’s called Soul Connect. It’s basically a set of questions that he and she has to answer to see how compatible they are. You should try it.”

I said looking at the engaged couple.

“Ya, that’s a great idea!” said my friend Abhay out loud but in a sarcastic tone.

“Great. Let’s do it.” said the guy extending his hand to take my smartphone. When I extended my hand to give it, his woman interrupted, “No, no, no, no… we don’t need to do that.” she said pushing my hand away, “Maybe you two should do it.” she says looking at Barkha and her boyfriend.

“Okay.” said Barkha and Mr. K-shamya.

“Cool” I said opening the website.

Well, that was my plan all along. First stage cleared. Then I started asking questions. Both had to give different answers out of scale one to five. It was a list of twenty personality based questions. Once they were done I had to press calculate to see the score.

“Wait. I don’t want anyone else to see the result.” said Barkha. I passed her my phone and only they saw their score. She did not tell the number but got very excited to see the result. That’s that.

We finished our dinner party and then went our way. Returning home I did some basic chores and then went to bed. It was almost midnight but I was not feeling sleepy. That’s because there was something I had to do before going to sleep.

You see, when I entered their answers on the website, secretly I took a screen shot of it and then passed the phone for them to see the result. This way I got all Barkha’s answer so that I could check my compatibility with her. Is that creepy?! Hey, don’t judge me. I was desperate.

I was carefully putting my answers next to her’s. I tried to be as honest and true to myself as possible. The guide said that any score about 60% is a good score with a tag that said ‘You two can get married’. So all I hoped to get at least 61. I was alone in my room and yet my heart was beating very fast. I felt nervous. I was sweating from my forehead but my hands went cold.

When I pressed ‘calculate’ time slowed down as it felt like forever before the result came. I turned the screen over as I couldn’t watch it. I waited for a beep sound indicator which would mean the result has arrived. A minute went by, then two, then five, still no result.

I waited for a long time thinking about all possible scenerios.

“What if it comes 58%. What if…78% or 43%… No. It can’t be that low. What if the result is 98% Should I tell her about…”

I was getting more and more impatient. The result didn’t take this long when I hit calculate in the restaurant. Unless Barkha and that guy displayed fake excitement pretending to see the score. No… It turned the screen to look. It said,

‘Internet connection lost.’

This made me very angry. I refreshed, re-entered the answers and then hit ‘calculate’. It didn’t take longer than five seconds to get the result.

76%

This was good. I cheered just to realize that everyone else must be asleep right now. Quietly I went to bed. The guide suggested that a score about 75% is very good with a comment ‘You two are meant to be together’.

“I know it’s not ninety-eight percent, still way above sixty.” This thought cheered me up. I went to bed with a smile on my face. But I was unable to sleep. “What does it mean?” I asked myself.

So our compatibility percentage is good but what should I do now? I was feeling restless in the bed. “If we are that compatible then why isn’t she in love with me?” I had no answer to this question and no way to find an answer to it.

Actually there was a way. It took me another sleepless hour to realize that. I opened the website yet again and the screenshot side by side. This time I entered all the answers exactly as in the image. Meaning I was about to find out the compatibility percentage between Barkha and that Chetts guy.

I was sleepy but unable to sleep. My fingers were slipping off the screen still I wanted to know. Eventually after several crosschecks I pressed ‘calculate’. The result that came shocked me.

“87%!” my eyes widened out of shock, “You got to be kidding me!”

You see usually when result comes, it’s an envelop animation that opens to reveal the score. But when it opened this time, in addition to the letter there were celebratory confetti shot animations. I know it was for the couples to be more excited to get their result so high but in that moment it felt that it was mocking me.

I dropped the phone to the side and tried to fall asleep. Still even with my eyes closed I could see the score. 87% in golden ink with a message below that read ‘Soul mate alert! You two are inseparable.’

This bothered me a lot. I cursed myself for suggesting this website. If by any chance Barkha had doubts about this relationship of hers, I just helped her get rid of them. This was a mistake. The damage is done and there is no turning back.

My final thought before falling asleep was this. “Since I am attracted to no one else, Barkha feels like a perfect match for me. But thinking from her perspective she has a choice. So even though we make a good couple, Barkha and her boyfriend are a better match for each other.”

This was the end of just another day but based on how I feel tomorrow, my life is going to be very different moving forward. At least with respect to my relationship with one Barkha Palini.

TO BE CONTINUED

written by Sameer Raote

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